In no particular order:
10. My name is NOT Rolex. I hate it when you think I'm the designated time keeper. It is quite annoying when you pick me out of a crowd to ALWAYS give you the time of day. This may sound a bit childish but, I think it's time you asked somebody else.
9. Please do not force your small talk on me. I understand that it is an awkward situation, being in a place where there are lots of strangers, but don't make it any worse by melting my brain with your idiotic prattle. If you really want to talk, fine, but you better have ammunition. Don't ask me about the weather, time, or whatever happened to that guy in high school that you had a crush on. I don't care.
8. I don't need help getting drunk. I know how to do it, and I can do it pretty well. Don't force me to chug my beer or buy another shot. They're expensive enough as it is. I know my limit and if I say no on the drinks, that usually means that we must stop for the time being...unless you want an ugly, smelly, messy scene where I violently puke on you and your girlfriend.
7. No drama in the bar! Put the white trash attitude and dirty laundry away. No need to be showing any of that in public. That's what "Cops" and "Jerry Springer" are for.
6. Don't insult the DD. They're there to save your ass.
5. Don't lecture me on what drink to get. As far as I'm concerned, the "cheap" stuff is just as liable to get me drunk as your imported swill. I don't need pretentious pricks who don't know shit from shinola telling me that their vodka is better than mine. Like you can really tell the difference.
4. IF YOU'RE SICK, STAY THE FUCK HOME!!! I DON'T WANT TO DIE LIKE YOU!!
3. Respect the bathroom line! Not obeying this most important queue may be grounds for kicking your ass.
2. Know your place in the bar. Wait for your server, know your drink, tip them well, and don't cut the line. Failure to comply is also grounds for kicking your ass.
1. If you'll be my friend, I'll be yours. Show some love.
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