Normally I have a very prodigious amount of patience for patients. I'll sit there and shoot the shit with them even though there are time constraints with their office visits. The stories they tell are amazing and everyone of them, priceless. The patients themselves seem to appreciate the banter and it makes their visit a little less stressful. Today, however, I could feel my blood pressure rapidly reaching critical, because of them.
How, you ask, did they manage to get under my usually tough outer shell?
4 words: "Why aren't you married?"
It's all together sad when all I can say was "I wish I knew..."
I must've been asked this at least a dozen times before quitting time today. I was clenching my teeth so much, I think I developed TMJ disease after all of that nonsense. Sometimes the questioning doesn't end there. Some patients like to probe a little more and make mindless suggestions like "maybe you should try those internet sites" or "I got a niece that would be perfect for you."
Sometimes I think that the doctors that precept my rotation judge me on my bachelorhood as well. They always seem so surprised after they ask when I tell them my age and that I'm single. It's even worse when there are other people around me who are my age or younger and they are already married and/or have kids of their own. Somehow, the comparisons are made automatically, but in the most "tactful" of senses, of course.
Then they end with, "Well, you're going to be a doctor soon. You'll find the right one, eventually."
It's quite demoralizing, really. It's gotten so bad that at one point, I was compelled to lie about my age just so I can dodge their judgmental questions. To me, it sounds as if they are implying my becoming a doctor is the only redeeming quality and selling point at this point in my life.
Can't I have at least a tiny iota of slack on this subject? Yes, I am getting older, but the church ain't goin' nowhere, either. And if I knew why I'm still single, we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place anyways. I'm not that lucky like the rest of America's wedded sons and daughters are, but that doesn't mean that I'm broken. I'm 29 and single...and there's nothing wrong with that.
Give it a rest. Get a life and move on.
Song of the day: "You Don't Know Me" - Ben Folds feat. Regina Spektor
6 comments:
My brother got so tired of being asked that (and then even more tired of the even ruder people who'd ask him if he was gay) that he wore a ring on his wedding finger just so people wouldn't ask.
It's no different for women, sadly, not that that helps ;)
Hey, Victoria!
Great to hear from you. Happy new year!
Sadly, it is the plight of single people all over the world. And it's good to know, I'm not alone on this one.
Hope you're feeling better.
Funny enough I have managed to in my line of work avoid that subject and jump right on to the next issue down the line - kids. It's always assumed I have them. I find that equally as odd an assumption as why aren't you married (you look normal) question.
People will be rude - there is nothing wrong with waiting, let's just say I speak from experience, it will happen when it happens no sense going on a "I must get married so the world thinks I'm "normal"" quest, because you know once you do they'll start asking about when you'll have kids...
Well, you know that when these patients go home, they tell their daughters and nieces that they met a cute single young doctor who they should set said young single niece/daughter up with... Every female relative I have does this to me every day almost. There's serious status to being a doctor and I think your patients only probe for info in order to give their niece/daughters more info on the cute single young doc they met that day.
Id say - relax. you have a great excuse to be single - getting into med school is no picnic! But don't let that lull you into procrastinating. We still live in a society where men are expected to make the first move (and if you disagree on this point, think to yourself, what do you think of women who come to you and ask you out on a date?). Don't give up asking just because it hasn't worked out before - take it from me, there are a lot of single girls out there wondering exactly the same thing: WTF am I doing still single at this age? Don't they know what they are missing? And we don't have the advantage that men do, of being the ones who are free to initiate.
Hello Ms. J! Nice to meet you.
Thanks for putting things into perspective.
There's still a few snags in your point of view, however...
1. Status is nice and can give you the edge in the beginning, but like the hopeless romantic that I am, I'd sorely hate it if somebody decided to go out with me only for status' sake. It's like marrying for money or for a trophy husband...
I've seen other students try to approach girls using the "med school" bomb...and most of the time, they end up looking like douches and come off looking very pretentious.
2. Society's rules are in flux today. You still think we men have the advantage because we can get away with making the first move, but in truth the ability to initiate certainly applies to you ladies as well. Countless guys I know (present company included) would welcome the opportunity to say yes to a lovely stranger. This is already a point of contention, I can tell.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, there is a proper way of making the first move and when done properly, even if it fails, the initiator doesn't look foolish. Failure, however, especially if repeated a number of times, can greatly demoralize a person. You can hear only so many excuses before you get real tired of them. And the approach always seems to me so forced...not organic like 2 people just clicking together. I guess that's how I'd prefer my 1st encounters to be. Putting yourself out there requires a thick skin...something that I still need to develop, unfortunately.
Still, there is merit to making the first approach and what you said in the end is infectiously hopeful...an advice that I can take to heart comfortably...thank you for that one.
After all, we can only fall so many times before we eventually learn how to ride.
Trophy husbands, that's a new one, I guess I never really though about that - though marrying up I think is genetic in women isn't it? Well maybe it is, maybe it isn't and really shouldn't be regardless.
Ooo who goes first? Well let's see in my pitiful dating life which Ms. J can wholly attest to I have tried many an option, including being the person to initiate after their appeared to be interest and I've also had the opposite. I guess I would be old fashion and say pursuit done classy is still at the heart of most women. In the end though I will say maybe it's what I have come to feel most comfortable with - and I will say I know it is a luxury, not always presented - it is much easier when you can get to know someone in a stress free casual setting, in time see commonality/chemistry and then go from there - but as I said on a recent post of Victoria's - what the hell do I know I'm still single?
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