Yesterday

I'm turning a corner. In a few days, I finish out another decade...the big 3-0. And there's a good deal of apprehension with my up and coming birthday. Things like, I aught to be fiscally/residentially independent, 30...that I should be in a long term relationship (hell, I'll take a short one at the moment), 30...that I should be a lot more confident in my skills, 30...well, all of these things are still in the works, but I feel like they should have been done a whiles ago. We all have felt the creep of time on us and unfortunately for me, I'm more aware of its pace more than ever.

Last night, I was hanging with some of my high school friends and they so lovingly pointed out that I'll be a "geezer" in a few days (old inside joke, but regardless, the meaning is none too obscure). Seeing as they're about the same age as me, it's almost like they're mocking their own selves with such quips, nonetheless, I am the first of the group to cross over the threshold. Turning 30...it's like what one of my professors said about growing old...it just sounds so bad, as if we've hit our expiration date...TURNING...I'm older so I'm slower, fatter, smellier, like milk TURNED sour after it passed it's prime. Used to be when I was younger that I reveled in the idea of me and my buddies going out to get wasted. Now, I can barely stand it to see them get blitzed on cheap beer, playing drinking games all night and randomly hooking up with the next blond with big tits. I think that way and I instantly feel old, as if the youth that has sustained me just evaporated in the summer sun. I feel so old, that I dreaded the idea that I'm to take 30 shots in my party. No way in hell I'm doing that. I've never been able to do that, but back then I'd at least give it a solid try, then puke all over the lawn. Now I shrink back with my non-tolerant liver against such a challenge. Granted, being able to hold your liquor is not exactly grounds for bragging in my book (millions of college kids might disagree with me on that one), but it certainly doesn't help with bolstering up the youthful image...bold, brash, invincible.

I feel like panicking. I really do. But that would only serve to make things even more pathetic. And that would just be an ugly site. No, I'll turn 30 with a grin and go through my rite of passage with gusto and hopefully not lose my dinner in the process. And if I don't make it to next Saturday's Boards review session, then look for me in my bed or in the hospital, cuz either I'll be hungover like a muthaf***a or dying, or worse. I pray that gin and vodka better play nice with me at my party.

Song of the day: "Vienna" - Billy Joel